


Pidge Gunderson never made it back

by luna_dd



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, I'm trying my best, Nobody is Dead, Pidge | Katie Holt-centric, Post-Canon, both mentally and physically, but imagine i have to bear with myslel 24/7, i know i might be confusing at this point, inconsistent writting, it's been two years since they've returned, they are all scarred, they were in space for 3 years, very possible canon divergance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-04-21 16:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14288880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luna_dd/pseuds/luna_dd
Summary: To form Voltron there must be five Lions, which means there must also be five Paladins of Voltron. Takashi Shirogane, Keith Kogane, Lance McCain, Hunk Garett and Pidge Gunderson, we all devoted our lives to defend the Universe from false superiority of Galra Empire. However, only three of us have returned to Earth.silence fell upon the crowd.Keith Kogane and Pidge Gunderson never made it back





	1. Part one

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second ever attempt to write a fic in English which is not my native language, and also my second ever attempt to publish a fic in any language  
> I came up with the idea for this fic late at night and i couldn't get rid of it, i know my writing might lack a lot but i kinda hope the content will be compensating for petty form.

She was sitting by the table in the far end of café facing the room. Every few minutes she would look up and scan other guests, who entered, who left, who was neutral, who could be a potential danger. She would then shake her head to try to get rid of useless thoughts .  
  
She changed position by pulling one leg up and resting her chin on the knee. She gazed over the room and fixed her eyes on barista boy behind the counter. As if he was expecting it the boy soon met her eyes and with a shy smile pointed at large mug displayed in front of him. When she nodded he started getting her drink ready.  
  
She was usual here. It was probably the only place on the campus where she felt comfortable enough to spend time at. She tried many other places but even campus library shared the same pattern of whispering and pointing at her behind her back. Only here people didn’t seem to give a quizznack about who she was. Or who they believed she was.  
  
She was Katie Holt; she was daughter of Samuel Holt who brought the news about the war and lore of Voltron to the Earth; she was sister of Matt Holt, a scientist kidnapped by aliens who later joined the resistance and fought for freedom of Space. She was that weird kid who after the failure of Kerberos mission succumbed to grief and refused to leave her home, disappearing from any social life for 3 years. Only half of it was true.  
  
Her table was littered with notes and papers she prepared for revising on bryophytes for the upcoming exam. Every detail and smallest piece of information were neatly written on sheets of white paper and color coded with highlighters. _We are not animals after all._ Some pages there were even small drawings and graphs representing the most important aspects of the study. Preparing them helped her to keep calm and passed long hours of daytime.  
  
Underneath there were few pages worth of another notes. These were written with pencil, plain text, usually created late at night when her roommates were already asleep and wouldn’t question content displayed at her pad from where she took additional information. Any ordinary passer by would describe the symbols as illegible gibberish but for her a crazy mix of Altean and Galran made perfect sense. It sure took her some time to master both languages and she wouldn’t call herself fluent in either of them - especially spoken language, her pronunciation was way too off - but he knew them well enough to research extra information on her study topics in the Castleship database she was still connected to. Biological structure of plants was very different provided by completely different conditions on various planets but she found those differences fascinating. Even though she couldn’t share it with anyone. _It was real_  
  
People were still a bit edgy at the mentions of Galra - or ‘evil aliens’ as some called them. During intergalactic war Earth and our Solar system were one of few areas that were safe from fighting, death and tragedy. But after Sam Holt returned to Earth and informed Garrison about existing situation people fell into state of mass panic. Government across the globe announced martial law. Fourth and fifth year pilot academy students were granted instant graduation and promotion to become auxiliary military pilots. Regular people reunited with their families and stocked their pantries preparing themselves for the worst. It was a mess. Thankfully the worse never came.  
  
But even Zarkon’s defeat, return of paladins of Voltron and announcement of official intergalactic alliance didn’t ease their fear of Galrans. Two years later it all still seemed to be too fresh in the collective memory of earthlings.  
  
Now she was focused on the moss survival in habitats with low moisture and wondering in the back of her head if there were any dessert planets where one could find mosses. Last night she dug out an info on swamp planets presenting plants with cell structure very closely resembling Earth’s hornworts.  
  
“Hello, Katie, cramming again?” Barista approached her with her drink. Extra large black coffee with pinch of salt. God, she missed coffee in space and now she just couldn’t get enough of it.  
  
“You know it. Thanks for coffee, Max. You didn't have to bring it to me though. I could walk these few feet if you called me”  
  
“Same as you walked these few feet to order? I won’t take any chances,” he sneaked his way on empty a chair next to her. “ You would later complain the coffee was cold and nasty and i don’t want to be on your bad side” he smiled.  
  
Max was adorable guy she had chemistry classes with last semester. He had pretty obvious crush on her but kept it low, never making her uncomfortable and courting her with salt in her coffee and occasional free cookies. She liked him. She was 20 years old, she could start thinking about dating, it was probably something to be expected from a girl her age at university.  
  
“I was wondering,” he started, “are you free this Saturday?” Oh no. “I’m going with my friends to the festival in the city and maybe you would like to come with us.”  
  
“You don’t mean… the Voltron festival?” her face dropped. _no no not happening_  
  
“Yeah, it’s two years anniversary. I heard major send official invitation for Black Paladin,” _Shiro_ , “to be a quest of honor or something. Might be fun.” _It won’t be_. “I don’t know if you are into it honestly, but i saw you have a phone charm with a lion, that small green one,"he gestured with his hand size of the charm”, so i thought there was a chance? And even if not it would still be cool if you wanted to just hang out with us.“  
  
Anniversary. Festival. Guest of honor. How mighty to create a celebration on the foundation of their blood and sacrifices. Voltron.  
  
Legendary Defender. _Piloted by bunch kids who nearly died way too many times._  
  
Her heart suddenly started beating way too fast for it to be normal.  
  
"I can’t. I just can’t, "she had to repeat herself because Max was already opening his mouth to ask another question. Inside of her mouth went dry  
  
It was probably time to leave. Now.  
  
With one swift motion she shoved all her belongings to the bag she had picked up from under the table and flinked it over her right shoulder. She dug through her pockets for change and fished out her last 10 dollar bill which soon landed on the table.  
  
"Sorry, have to run, I’m taking this to go.” Without looking at Max she grabbed a mug with her coffee and stormed out of the local. Only 10 minutes later, struggling to open door to her apartment she realized that the cup she was holding to was ceramic.  
  



	2. Part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Saturday Katie found herself at the the festival. She wasn’t happy but she needed to see him, _she had to see him_.

 

At Saturday Katie found herself at the the festival.

It was clearly supervised by Garrison,  military suits present on every corner. It was a bit surprising really, two years anniversary of Voltron landing on Earth and announcing the end of space war wasn’t such a big deal, more of a silly reason public needed to throw a fair, but Garrison still needed to keep an upper hand in a show of power.

She’s seen the flyers hanging around the city for weeks. She tried to avoid them at all cost but Max mentioning Black Paladin being present at the even made her actually read one. She wasn’t happy but she needed to see him,  _ she had to see him. _

She wasn’t reasonable and she knew it, she’s lost reasonable a long time ago, but it was fine.  _ She was fine _ . She might have needed to skip a few lectures this week to run to the gym and take her frustrations out on a poor trainer who agreeded to spare with her but it was refreshing. Punching bag could not return the favour, another human could, and it was something that finally made her feel more like herself. She decided to mend her relation with Max. She smiled at him more, awkwardly attempted flirting few times, apologized for stealing a cup and finally yesterday gave the guy her number. Things were normal.

Katie was feeling really uneasy and way too hot wearing pair of jeans and beige hoodie in the middle of June. Anxiety was tying her insides into a knot and crushing her lungs. Around her children were screeming and pretending to fight with plastic bayards. Some teenagers were wearing carton or foam armours cosplaying Paladins. Military walked in straight lines with guns on their belts. She wanted to throw up. But she was here with Max and his friends so it was fine.

She was ready to turn on the heel and run any moment now, to go back to her apartment and hide under the bed (She felt safe there, safer than here.) but she couldn't. She had to stay. She  _ had to  _ see Shiro.

Elbowing her way through the crowd was not easy, she was still short, that one didn't change much. When she reached the front, leaving Max behind, really she wasn’t good at it, major was already talking about the events of two years back.

He didn't know shit. No one here knew a shit. And yet they were so happy to celebrate something that has nothing to do with them just because it was their planet where _the_ _heroes_ came from.

Next to him stood capitan Takashi Shirogane, Shiro, former Paladin of the Black Lion, leader of team Voltron, honourary officer wearing Garrison military suit.  _ Shiro. _ He stood with straight back and square shoulders with hands clasped on the small of his back. Looking straight ahead, over the heads of people gathered in front of him. His jaws were clenched.

Katie wrapped her fingers on the metal barrier in front of her and sighted in relief.  _ It was real. _

Shiro's face was scarred. The oldest one was the scar on the bridge of his nose but there were many others. Three parallel cuts on the cheek from claws of one of Haggar's robeasts; burn mark on his temple from the plasma blast he barely dodged in the heat of battle,  he was missing half of his right eyebrow; and that small scar on his chin from when Lance finally win with him on the training deck.

She could consider herself lucky that after all fights, and despite her body being covered in various burns and laceration marks, her face was intact. She had a scar on her head though, nasty one running from the crown of her head curving right to the left brow bone. One centimeter wide nasty pinkish line. You couldn't see it because she always made sure to brush her hair and tie them in tight side ponytail to cover it. The rest was behind the fringe. But she knew it was there and always would be.

That time they were fighting on the board of slave traders' ship to free the prisoners, corridors were way too narrow for Lions so they had to go on their own. Fragile humans against aliens with rock hard skin and strength allowing them to bend metal walls with just one punch. Her bayard was close range weapon. She still had her helmet on when the hit came. Thanks God, Coran was monitoring their vitalls all the time and used intel to inform the rest about her state. Mission was terminated. She got into the pod mere seconds before it was too late. She was out for 3 weeks.

_ It was real. _

"I am honoured to stand here in front of you today." Shiro's voice was calm and slow but audacious and clear through the speakers." We are here to celebrate the official end of intergallactic war."  _ War in which you people didn't even take part. _ "Five years back, me and my team had left the Earth to discover the mystery of Voltron and took it upon ourselves to fight for freedom of every race in our universe. It was a long fight. It took us nearly three years but two years ago on this day me and my team had finally returned to Earth." Crowd cheered. "We landed on this very dessert behind the city, that's why being here with you today means so much to me." Katie noticed that his face expression hasn't changed a bit and his eyes still hasn't met his audience. "To create Voltron there must be five Lions which means there must also be five Paladins of Voltron. And there were. Me, Takashi Shirogane, and four other amazing people, my friends, Keith Kogane, Lance McCain, Hunk Garett and Pidge Gunderson, who under my lead devoted their lives to defend the Universe from subjugation and superiority of Galra Empire. However only three of us have returned." Silence fell upon the crowd. "Keith Kogane and Pidge Gunderson never made it back"

She knew it was half-facting, Keith was with the Blade of Marmora and she was standing here in the crowd as Katie,  _ they haven't died _ . But Shiro made it sound that way, it was a version they all agreed on, all the way back on the Castleship, ages ago. And even despite knowing it, these words still stung  _ they weren’t real _ they were too close to dying so many times....

"Wow, he is a bit more self centered than i would have expected," said voice on her right. She snapped her head and saw Max. "I was thinking he would be more humble."

"What are you doing here?" Katie asked suddenly brougt back. 

"I invited you here, remember?" he chuckled, "I’ve lost my friends somewere in the crowd but decided I really want to see the famous Black Paladin if i get the chance. I’m surprised to see you here though, I thought you are not a big fan, why first row then?”

“I’m- “

"He's not an animal in the zoo, you know?" A big guy dressed in security uniform appeared in front of them. "For you to see him? The guy fought in war, show some respect and shut up, dude." Max was clearly displeased at being scolded like that but polite enough to listen.

Katie had to bring her hands to her chest because her heart started to hurt. She came here hoping to see Shiro but here she was standing in front of her best friend in the entire universe.  _ it was real. _ He didn’t change much, same chubby face, same warm smile,  _ like nothing has happened, _ only his eyes lost some of their light but that had happend years ago.

Katie reached out her right hand and touched Hunk’s gloved hand that has been rested on the barrier. Holding her breath she moved it up and sneaked her fingers under the sleeve of his suit hoping and dreadig to find what she knew should be there. She could feel Max’s eyes on herself but it didn’t matter.  _ it wasn’t real. _ Here it was, a scar, contracture scar that she knew reached up to Hunk’s neck. She remembers helping him to apply oitments and oils on the scarred tissue when he refused to enter the healing pod after being attacked by acid spitting plant on some unnamed planet. Pods would spread up healing processes and they did not prevent tissue scaring at human body; knowing back from Earth how the various burns healed and scarred he was affraid of how accelerated process would leave his skin looking. It wasn’t pretty but it was still there.

"... to not only enjoy this day but also remember and honour our fallen allies without whom the fate of entire galaxy and our own planet would be completely different. Thank you." Shiro ended his speech with a stiff nod towards the crowd and left the scene. He was visibly tense but if he kept telling official version the enire time... Katie wasn't so surprised. 

Max tried to tell something but her brain was glitched and her consciousness far away. She wrapped her hand on Hunk’s wrist focusing on the texture of the scar and pulse she felt under her thumb, at this moment it was her anchor in the reality where Shiro left the stage. He left but she was not alone.  _ she felt alone for so long _ . She looked up to see her best friend’s  timid smile, like he wasn’t sure if he sees right but he would still be happy if it was just a pleasant dream.

and it did matter _. it was real _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me ages. or not really, it took me 4 days to write, over 1,5 months to reevaluate my life and ask myself where exactly do i want to go with this story, and 2 hours of editing.  
> i realise this story is chaotic but Katie's mind is chaotic, this gives me excuse to be more free and experiment, if nothing makes sense i want you to know that it is true
> 
> edit: ummm i have like ~~2,5k~~ 2,1k words of next chapter and everything gets even more confusing


	3. Part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything around her was spinning out of control. The sea of faces washed over her trying to take her down. She was drowning in the meaningless chatter, unaware and detached from the reality. She moved, step by step, again and again, but it was like she was still stuck in the same place. Alone in the crowd.
> 
> Nothing seemed real. But it was real. It wasn't a bad dream. It all happened. Green, Lions, the Castleship, Shiro, Hunk, Lance, Keith, _Pidge_. She saw Shiro's scars _it was real_ , she touched Hunk's burns _it really happened_ she had a collection of scars of her own _but it wasn't real it wasn't real it wasn't her_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here i come after another two months :)  
> i want you all to know that i love every single one of you who leaves a comment or kudos, it means so much and you might not see it but it really motivates me to create this

Hunk entered the tent behind the stage where official ceremony took place. Shiro was already there, hold by Lance who sat next to him and helped him to calm down with breathing exercises _in and out._ It would work; back in space it took them months to discover what was the most effective way to deal with Shiro's panic attacks and PTSD. Here on Earth he would settle to take an extra pill prescribed to him by psychiatrist. But back there he didn’t have such luxury. The best way to wind down would be physical contact and breathing. He had spend way too long being a prisoner of Galra, even more than once, and he was always alone there, without his family or friends, waiting for a rescue that would never come, left on his own… _breathe in and out_

And Lance was always the best at grounding Shiro, he could always find words that needed to be heard and deliver them in a comforting manner. He didn't mind spending some nights on the floor of Shiro's bedroom just to be there in case he woke up from another nightmare. And now, years after, Lance would still stick around his friend and leader, always ready to hold him together and always hoping it will be enough this time too.

 

Hunk took the picture in front of him in and hesitated. Shiro seemed pretty anxious after having to put himself out again as an intergalactic hero, it would always take its toll on him, no matter how many times he had to make the speech. Lance was solemnly focused on Shiro and hasn’t seen him enter the room yet. Despite taking deep breaths along with Shiro his eyebrows were furrowed and lips tight; he was clearly upset about today too.

For a moment Hunk considered staying quiet but he couldn’t; they were his friends and he cared about them lots but so was Pidge. He owed it to everyone.

“I saw Pidge,” he stated, turning attention of both men on himself.

“- Are you sure? - Is she okay?” Two questions clashed in the air

“Yes, I am sure it was her, i saw her standing in the first row, but I'm not sure she's okay.” Hunk paused looking for the right words. ”She didn't seem hurt physically but there was something worrying in her eyes....”

“Like what?” asked Shiro

“At first she just stared at me. She seemed lost, like she wasn't sure if I was real at first? She touched my scar,”  he raised his left hand to demonstrate which one did he mean , “and only then she seemed to believe i am me? But only for a few.” Hunk shook his head, sitting down on a chair. _He should have..._

“It doesn't sound like she's fine,” decided Lance crossing his arm, remembering lively and sassy computer nerd Pidge he loved like his own sister.

“i asked her if she wants to come and talk to you guys and she got... I don't know.... scared? She run off. I should have go after her but she was quick and i had my leg prosthetic tweaked the other day and I'm still not fully used to it.” _excuses, he should have..._

“We need to go and find her, make sure she's safe, we can't let her go off like that” decided Shiro standing up, ready to save his teammate from whatever was happening.

“No, sorry, man. You can't really leave this tent and wander around, Shiro,” Lance apologized and placed a hand on his shoulder to keep him still. ”You will be attacked by the mass as a Black Paladin. People know your face, they will want pictures and stuff. As always.” Last words were dry.

“We can not leave her not knowing what’s going on.”

“Me and Hunk will go, we are more of a shadow figures, people don't care about us. You stay here and breathe. Please, ” Lance added when Shiro’s features hardened.

“We made a mistake,” Shiro sighed and dropped on the chair like a dead weight. “I know she wanted to be left alone, leave the war in the past but maybe we shouldn't have let her.“ He covered his face with both hands.

 

***

 

Everything around her was spinning out of control. The sea of faces washed over her trying to take her down. She was drowning in the meaningless chatter, unaware and detached from the reality. She moved, step by step, again and again, but it was like she was still stuck in the same place. Alone in the crowd.

Nothing seemed real. But it was real. It wasn't a bad dream. It all happened. Green, Lions, the Castleship, Shiro, Hunk, Lance, Keith, _Pidge._ She saw Shiro's scars _it was real,_ she touched Hunk's burns _it really happened_ she had a collection of scars of her own _but it wasn't real it wasn't real it wasn't her_

Her knees collapsed and she sat in the dirt with a thud. She brought her knees up to the chest and rested one elbow on them, fingers tracing the scar in her hair. Second hand she used to hug her middle, palm touching the side where Corran had to cut her open because a piece of metal shipwreck somehow entered her fresh wound when they tried to deal with a group of  space scrappers who attacked lone spaceships and deconstructed them to sell parts on the black market. She knew it happened, it had to happen, she had a proof, she was there _but still_

_was it real?_

She still remembered it all, every mission, every ship they destroyed, every wormhole they had to take to save their lives, every blow that came on her, every planet they saved, every birthday party they threw in the castleship to feel less alone in the space, every time she ended up in a healing pod, everytime she refused to, every night spend with Hunk when he talked about Shay or home, every night time cooking session, every trip to the mall that seemed like a moment stolen from someone else, everytime Lance hugged her promising it would be okay, every time she listened to him when he needed an ear, everytime one of the boys covered her back in the battle, every dead body, every time she sparred with Keith on the training deck, every time she saw Matt in the battle, every splash of red when she defeated another enemy, every early morning talk with Shiro before anyone else was awake, every scratch on Green’s armour, every time she lost control, every time she was close to dying, every change of code she came up with to improve their Lions, three times she had to be brought back to live, every time the universe was close to being torn apart, every time she wanted the endless suffering to end,

that one time when she tried to end it and long talks that came after her attempt has failed.

but _it wasn’t her_ , she didn’t want these memories, she wanted to be Katie. Just Katie

 

***

 

 _Pidge_ , she heard a voice calling someone

 _Pidge_ , the voice was coming from somewhere close, almost like the person was whispering into her ear but it wasn't a whisper, more like a…

 _Pidge!_...a yell that brought her back to reality.

they called her

 

***

 

When she opened her eyes she was squating behind a row of food trucks, holding paper cup filled with coffee surrounded by the smell of burnt oil. The voice was still calling a name but she didn’t had to answer it. She didn’t have to listen to them, she was right here, right now; Katie Holt in her stolen piece of reality.

“Are you feeling better now?” Max was here with her with a worry written all over his face. She could only force a tight smile and nod. “Can you tell me what happened out there?”

no

“I think you had a panic attack.”

nod

“You want to talk about it?”

“There is not much to talk about,"  she shrugged. "i just freaked out because of the crowd. Thanks for taking care of me.”

“Don’t mention it, i couldn’t have left you alone like that.” _they have_

They sat in silence for a few long moments. She could sense tension in the air, distant voices still calling for Pidge but quieter and less frequent, like whoever called started losing hope in finding the person they were searching for.

_searching for her_

“I’m sorry.” She looked at Max with the corner of her eye. God, he must be regretting asking her out so much. Katie was very much aware that just sitting occasionally by the same table at cafe for two years she must have gave a different vibe than what was happening to her these past few hours.

_but they left her_

She thought she had it all under control, she sneaked her way into normality, filling time from cover to cover, not leaving any place for past but it was always there. She could never fully belong here. She swirled the rest of her coffee in her cup and started remembering _it all happened_

“On the planet Raxney L84 they had these beans. They were purple, people grinded and roasted them to make a beverage.” She whispered unknowingly. Some words of past finally making their way out. “Yrdanl, that’s what they called the plant. It was nothing like coffee but it had small content of caffeine, barely noticable to us but for Allura?” Katie chuckled to her memories. “She’s no caffeine toleration whatsoever, she couldn’t sleep for three days after one cup. We traded some of our food supplies to get a cutling and grow Yrdanl plant on our own but we never managed for it to bloom.” Katie rested her head on the wall of foodtruck and looked straight at Max. He understood nothing, she could see it in his eyes but she wanted to live the pleasurable memory before it faded into blood. “Yrdani was thick. Pink, foamy and sweet, it reminded me of grapes and cherries. They had an entire ceremony around it. We would be served a tasteless piece of cake, dense and filling, to go with it. When we left it took them four vargas to destroy everything, before we answered distress beacon Raxney was no more. We couldn’t even cultivate stupid plant to preserve their legacy”

needless deaths that could not be undone, only avenged _so real_

Max didn’t understand, nothing in the story made sense; there was no way anyone on this planet would understand her now. But it was her reality. Few pleasant memories rinsed in blood soon after. Max touched her forehead to see if she had a fever but she pushed him away. For him it was all imaginary story, maybe a dream she confused with reality. Alien planet, concepts so familiar and yet so different, death out of nowhere. It sounded like something he would tell his younger brother before bedtime. He knew Katie came with a baggage but right now she sounded outright crazy. Only the look in her eyes beared suffering that could not come from imaginary events.

 _“Pidge!”_ She wanted to answer the call but she also wanted to give this reality one more chance.

_they were searching for her_

She kept it all to herself, Max was a person she got closest to since they returned to Earth. She wanted to make him her new anchor…

_they haven’t left her_

“Can I ask you for something”

“Of course.’

_she left them_

“Tell me it will be okay.”

“...why? Is something wrong?”

_it was her fault_

“No, i just need to hear it.”

“ _Pidge!”_

It used to help her, when Lance kept her close, repeating a senseless chant of ‘it will be okay’, it never was, but it she never stopped wanting to believe him.

“It’s gonna be okay, Katie”

It just wasn’t the same. Maybe she wasn’t cut for this reality. Maybe there is a point from which there is no turning back. She’s spend last two years blindly running away, suspended, pulled and pushed by the time current. Subconsciously craving the past and avoiding it at all costs. But she couldn’t really escape. She was alone

_her friends..._

Pidge Gunderson never made it back but they never died; back then she believed it was just a name but it wasn’t true _she was them it was always real_. She felt so lost. All she knew for sure is that she didn’t want to be alone with them again.

_she had to go back_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking that much time but i simply need it, i don't want to rush anything, i like to think things through and make sure that this is what i really want and if i'm able to deliever further plot from where I finish things and sometimes it means rewriting the entire thing a few times  
> if it is confusing - it probably was supposed to be that way


	4. Part four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was alone. All that time he’s been alone and so scared but now there was someone calling her name and if only she could find them she wouldn’t be alone anymore. Maybe.  
> They were calling for her.  
> They were calling for Pidge.

They’ve been searching and calling for Pidge for over fiveteen minutes now. They knew she must be somewhere here, she wouldn’t leave without a word. Not again.

She must have just gotten lost. That’s what Lance has been telling himself today and those last past two years. Pidge was lost.

The war seemed to be harder on her than on any of them, he blamed in on her being the youngest of their group. When she got practically kidnapped into the eye of intergalactic war she was still developing: physically, mentally and intellectually. And each day in space left a mark.

To the public eyes they returned heros but what no one knew they also returned victims.

On their last day in space they’ve come to an agreement. Lance wanted to return to his family, Hunk wanted to travel across USA and live his life to the fullest, Keith wanted to stay with the Blade and his mum and Pidge wanted to forget that war had ever happened.

Shiro promised to do everything he can to make their wishes come true.

After the oficial landing on Earth, after they had set the exact time and place over the radio with Garrison, only three out of four Paladins who made it to their home planet left the Lion. Shiro being the first one and focusing media attention on himself. He agreed to the role believing it would make it easier on Lance and Hunk to blend back into their Earth lives; Garrison would always need a Voltron hero on hand and he offered to be the only one they would need. He made a deal to follow Garrison's lead in exchange of letting Hunk and Lance off the hook as much as possible.

Pidge left the Lion few hours later, when everyone who came here to see the landing gathered in the gigantic tent erect in the middle of the desert by Garrison. Her feet touched the Earth soil the very minute dozens feet away Shiro announced her and Keith’s deaths.

She wanted to forget and none of them blamed her for it. She met with Matt, boy waiting for her, ready to take his little sister home.

After few months of living on their own three men decided they want to live together again. They rebuilt Keith’s shack in the dessert and added more room to not only accommodate three of them but also to leave some space for Keith when he decides he's ready to return too.

One would have thought that after spending three years living, sleeping, eating and breathing together they would want to live their separate lives but they felt safer together. Shiro was exhausted by ending up back in the same Garrison quarters he took before Kerberos mission as if nothing has changed. Lance’s family couldn’t understand their miraculously returned kid’s night terrors and his small nieces and nephews couldn’t look at him, terrified by the most hideous scar running across his face. Hunk found himself paranoid wherever he headed, expecting danger to come at him any moment.

Together was easier. They understood and could help each other through bad days.

Pidge didn’t have that.

She cut all ties not only with her team but even with her family. According to Matt one day she decided to go to university and she just moved on and out, never visiting on weekends, ignoring holidays, limiting herself to sending a monthly “i’m okay” text message. She isolated herself.

She wasn’t fine. Lance regretted letting her go for two years now but they had to let her made her own decisions (and mistakes). But each day he wished he had a possibility to contact her and today he finally had a chance. Pidge was somewhere here and she knew that they were here too. They just had to find each other.

***

Leaving Max should have been harder. Honestly, throwing away the life she built for two years should have been more dramatic than just standing up and leaving a boy with a crush on her behind a food truck without a word.

It only showed how faint that reality was.

She was alone. All that time he’s been alone and so scared but now there was someone calling her name and if only she could find them she wouldn’t be alone anymore. Maybe.

They were calling for her.

Small groups of teengers in cosplay started migrating towards the stage happily chattering about the call probably being a flash mob. All of them in green armours. All of them innocent and alive.

They were calling for Pidge.

But she couldn’t, she didn’t want to go back, not really.

_but it was real_

_she had to go_ _back_ ,

she had to redefine everything, she had to face the past again, _she wanted to_ , this time maybe finally not alone but the mere idea terrified her.

Maybe she could just stay here: anonymous in the crowd, weird kid surrounded by strangers, hanging in between on a thin thread. She had tried to burn the bridges, she never wanted to return and thought that not having any possibility of coming back would be the best. Coming back. Going back. Which one would it be? She had this one chance, she already walked away on her new life that didn’t bring her any relief.

It was so confusing.

But there was a voice - _voices_ now - crying for her and she knew them better than her own voice.

How would it look like? Their eyes meeting and entire world would stop spinning for that one moment when she comes back to where she belongs? Did she even still belonged there? Maybe there was no longer anything connecting them, maybe they were just a teammates, soldiers belonging to the same unit but never really friends? Maybe all good memories were just fake, a futile tries to make their miserable lives a bit more bearable but there was nothing behind them? Maybe their bonds were just temporary, forged by war and dissolved by peace?

_Maybe…_

but blood is thicker than water.

_... it was all fake?_

Releasing a shuddering breath Katie brought her hands around the middle in a mockery of a hug, digging fingers deep into the skin through thick material of her jumper until she felt a sting of pain. She could use the pain as an anchor to stay in this reality. Slowly, step by step she moved forward, aiming to reach the person who called for her. The person who was now quiet, but she knew that if they tried just one more time she would find them. She would let herself be found.

“Pidge.”

This time the voice was barely a whisper, its source being right next to her. Strong arm on her shoulder immediately became her new anchor and she let her arms fall down freely. The world around her didn’t stop.

 

***

 

When half an hour later Shiro still haven't heard from his friends any positive news he decided to go too. He stripped off his Garrison uniform jacket and changed it for a plain black jumper and digged through his bag to find a mouth mask to disguise himself better in the crowd. It didn’t make any sense to sit and wait, they had better chances to find Pidge if they all put their heads in it.

He hadn’t seen Pidge in almost two years but he was sure he could still recognize her face. Sometimes he felt like in a room full of people, even with his eyes closed, he would still find other Paladins just by their presence. All these years sped together, shared victories and failures, brought them closer than anything on Earth ever could. They’ve been stuck together through the most intimate and vulnerable moments. Nothing could take that away.

He wished Keith would be here on Earth with them too, maybe with all of them there things would somehow be easier. While parting their ways, Keith promised he would eventually come back, or at least visit. There was nothing wanting for him on Earth, so he decided to continue working with the Princess and the Blade of Marmora to make sure the universe is finding its way in the new era of peace.

Shiro could feel people's gaze on himself but no one made a comment or tried to stop him so it was probably because of his height and overall bodybuild; he moved through the crowds towering over, people voluntarily moved out of his way. However, despite his height advantage it took him walking around the entire premises twice to finally spot who’s been looking for.

Near the east entrance Lance was wrapping his arms around a girl. Around Pidge. Shiro was sure of it even without being able to see her face. It was obvious by the way Lance and grabbed the material of her hoodie and pulled her close in a crushing hug , making sure she had no way to escape.

***

"Oh my God, Pidge'

“It hurts, Lance”

“I don’t care. You got us so worried.” He cradled her small frame, swaying gently to the sides. It felt unreal.  “Fuck, you are here.”

She hugged Lance back, delicately as if scared he would fall apart under her touch, and inhaled his presence

_It was real._

Everything in this position felt so familiar, strong arms around her, chin rested on top of her head, fresh citrus smell, soft voice picking her up…

“I’m scared”

“I will be okay” he promised.

The world around her didn’t stop but it became a little bit less scary.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here

**Author's Note:**

> let's all agree i'm not the best at it but (!) it was fun, ok.  
> I think it will have 3 chapters, i'm in the middle of second one but i just know myself i know that if i didn't post it now i would't post it ever.


End file.
